To err is human... so they say.

I hate making mistakes. I hate them. I really, really, really hate them. I'm not even saying this with my tongue in my cheek. I'm dead serious here.

I made a mistake .. well.. two mistakes. And this whole week, I've been busy hosing down the consequences of my mistakes. Not major mistakes.. more.. small mistakes. Like.. commissioning work without providing a proper brief. As a result, work is sub-standard. I mean. I could offer up a million defenses, all that would be, and have been, accepted by client and manager alike. Defenses such as.. it was a mad rush to get the work commissioned, and I honestly didn't know that a proper brief needs to be submitted for this particular job. Client knows this, my manager knows this, and none of them are blaming me, or stringing me up for it (yet), but none of that is really relevant, because none of that actually affects the degree to which I'm blaming myself. I've apologized so profusely that the client and my manager is beginning to think that I'm a little cooky, and yet does that alleviate my disgust with myself? No.

That scene of self-flagellation in Da Vinci's Code. Where the guy from the monastery flogs himself in his room in front of the cross of Jesus. I remember watching it with deep, profound sadness. How can anyone believe that a loving God would desire us to harm ourselves to gain His redemption? On a side note, I refer specifically to the Christian faith - because not all faiths have a loving god as their basis. But I digress. I watched this man flog himself, physically, and I winced and look away.

And yet.. that's what I do. Mentally and emotionally, I apportion myself blame and punishment where others have not. Sometimes I think that the standards that I hold myself up to will one day destroy me. Everytime I make a mistake, it eats away at my insides - eroding every good thing that I've done, all the times I got it RIGHT, my self-confidence, my wellbeing. I lose my appetite, I walk under a dark, black cloud, and I actually do feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders.

I need to break free. I'm not sure how. I know that to err is human, I KNOW that we all make mistakes, and yet, somehow, every breath I take, everything I do, I do to make sure that I don't. Particularly professionally. And when I do, it tears me up, and it shouldn't!

I know that to change my mindset, I need to first understand why I am this way. There's my problem. I don't really know. I really.. don't... know. Perhaps, all it is... is pride?