Felicity

My sister, evil person that she is, has gotten me hooked on Felicity. Yes, that ancient Dawson's-Creek-type-only-better-and-less-juvenile.

Audrey said something that kinda stuck with me. Felicity is a show about choices.. about knowing what you want.. or rather.. -not- knowing what you want. It's watching a group of young adults try to figure out what they want, who they want to be with, what they want to do, and trying to muddle through the confusion.

I guess that's why that show speaks to me, where I am now. And then there's the whole.. Noel-Felicity-Ben thing happening. Everytime I watch Noel love Felicity from a distance.. I get choked up. I am Noel. I've been in two serious relationships before. In the first, I loved from a distance for 4 years, before anything happened. In the second, I loved from a distance for.. 2 years, before anything happened. Both were my best friends. So. Watching Noel love Felicity from a distance, supporting her through her very strange, very turbulent relationship with this guy who doesn't appreciate her or know her half as well as he does, getting torn apart inside from the pain of being a friend when you want so much more.. it's like watching me, and remembering everything that I felt and thought back then.

That's the other thing that I seem to be doing lately. Reminiscing. Remembering the person I used to be.. the people who used to be in my life, the things I used to do. My sister reminded of the way my other sister, when we were younger, and we were chasing each other around the house.. Addie used to lick her palm, from wrist to fingertip, and threaten to smear us with her saliva-coated hand if we came too near. I had completely forgotten that.. and when my sister mentioned it I immediately had these flashes of memory. It was like.. a home video started playing in my head, and I saw her do that in my mind and I cracked up so hard I almost forgot to breathe.

And then I remember Jemi, Al, and all the stuff that we used to do. The movies, the laughter, the friends, and silliness, the playful sarcasm.. the good and the bad. And still, 7 years on from Jeremy, and 2 years on from Al, that pang of loss lingers. Not in an oppressive way, mind you... but in a... once-upon-a-time-I-was-loved kinda way.

I remember Wei Yein, and the hours of laughter. The time my face swelled twice its size because I got too close to her cat. The time we ran in the rain all the way from La Salle back to my house, gave up half way and just enjoyed walking in the beautiful monsoon thunderstorm of Malaysia. The mirror immage writing that we mastered.

I remember Ann, and the hours of phone conversations. The many years of friendship... the friendship that we thankfully, still have. The special way that we somehow, are able to reconnect after months of non-communication, and get back to where we were.

I remember the gang back in Taylor's. Mung, Ah Han, Kevin, Shao, Tiff, Sharon, Yi Kai and Norman. The way Norman would consistently cancel on us at the last moment, the way Ah Han would bury himself in his books, the profoundly hilarious statements Yi Kai used to make... the IceBlended Coffee we would guzzle down in Coffee Bean.. the lewdly funny remarks Sharon used to make, the spur of the moment drives up to Genting for more iceblended coffee just to freeze the brain.. trips to Kuala Terengganu. Marathon cho-tai-di sessions in Meidi-Ya opposite from Taylor's College.. Tiff recording our chatter... Mung and Ah Han trying to sweet talk the hawker lady into giving them more siham in their char kuay teow..

I'm remembering all these things about myself, about my past that I haven't even thought about in years.. and in a way.. it's reminded me of who I am.

Welcome back, me.