Stalking my past

Google is an amazing tool. Especially for tracking people down. Occasionally, when I'm in the mood for it, I'd randomly google a friend's name, and see what comes up. While waiting today for a client to come for a 5.45pm meeting, I googled a friend's name. It wasn't the first time I'd googled her before. No, I'm not a stalker. I think I'll back up a bit and set the background...

If you could divide your life into segments, and watch it like a home movie, you'll usually be able to identify a main actor (gender neutral) in each segment. In some segments, you may have more than one main actor - my life, however, always only had one main actor. I tend to only have the capacity to bind myself to one person at a time. For most of my adolescence, from the age of 13 all the way to 17, she was without any doubt the starring actress in that segment. I still remember that first week in high school - it was the rainy season, school was in the arvo, and it was always raining all through the day. There were a lot of 'getting to know you' ice-breaking sessions, and I remember being absolutely fascinated by her. She was pretty, and yet there was an openness about her that was so far removed from the pretty girls I grew up with in primary school. I've only ever had a crush on a girl once in my life, and she was it.

We went on to become extremely close over the years. School isn't the kindest place to a non-academic, non-athletic scrawny girl that had too big teeth and was nearly legally blind. She was my lifeline. A year older than me due to her year in remove classes (which is the year where chinese educated students had to do prior to first form, to get their english/malay up to scratch) .. it started out as her being my 'bigger sister' - and then it settled into being partners in crime. We used to sneak out of class to go 'feed the rabbits' in the home economics garden... and we never came back.

I wish I could say we were still close, but I can't. Something splintered at 5th form, when we were 17. She made a life decision that excluded me from it, and we were never the same again. I would have accepted her regardless of her life decision, but that year that she cut me out of her life damaged our friendship irreparably.

I googled her a few days ago, and following a trail of links, i found her blog. A blog that was three years old, and still being updated. As I read through her archives, I marvel at the person she is today. If you had known us years ago back in high school, you would have thought that I would have turned out the journalist, she would have become a doctor, or a scientist - she was smart, very smart - all I had to my name was an affinity for the English language. Yet now, she is a commerical copywriter, and as I read her writing, the kind that grips you and engages you, the kind that truly speaks to you - I see now a completely different person from the girl I grew up with. She writes beautifully - in turn comic, in turn poignant, in turn ambiguous, in turn antagonistic - she writes the way I always thought I would, but can't. The girl who spoke more Mandarin than English is now gone, forever.

With a deep, heartfelt pang, I let the friend of my heart go, because she is gone, forever so. I know that our lives are so far removed from each other that we will never find our way back to each other. Yet with an almost voyeuristic pleasure, I stalk her through her blog. I stalk her thoughts, and I will always be so very proud of her for forging her path in this world with such success. I tip my hat to her, and stand quietly unseen, unknown, cheering her on as she conquers the commercial world with her quips, sarcasm, delightful humour.

"So take the photographs and still frames in your mind,
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time,
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial,
For what it's worth, it was worth all the while,
It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right,
I hope you had the time of your life." - Green Day