Jesus called them, and immediately they left the boat and their father and followed Him. (Matthew 4:21a-22)

Whenever I thought about having to choose between my family and God, I always envisioned it in the context of persecution. Back in the 90s, there was a wave of 'end times' anxiety. There was a lot of talk of the 666, having your heads chopped off if you refused to denounce the name of Jesus, and watching your family die because you refused to deny Christ. Now I'm not making light of the very real persecution of Christians all over the world. All I'm saying is that whenever I thought of having to choose between God and family, it was always on pain of death. In today's Australian climate of relative religious freedom, that kind of persecution isn't something that I wake up in the morning anticipating.

Recently though, God's called me to make that choice and that's been harder to do than I ever thought it would be. For a year now, I've been attending Citylife Knox with my family, and it's been my lifeline through some rather difficult times. I've loved going to church with them, taking H to Sunday School, picking her up after (and watching her little face light up when she sees me come to get her), hanging out with them after church... eating delicious, sinful chocolate churros with my sister and cousin.. catching up with my cousin in the car.. i've really, really enjoyed it.

So.. when God called me back to Planetshakers.. I struggled. I really, really struggled. I still do. 3 years ago when Planetshakers started up, I was there. I was there for almost two years before discouragement and disillusionment and burnout set in, and I left. I floated around for a year, before settling in for almost a year in CityLife with my family. I had gone back to PS just once during that time, and that one time, I was completely and utterly overwhelmed by the sheer size of the church. Everything about it seemed... too much. Too loud. Too boisterious. Too emotional. And that was when I was accompanied by a friend!!

Listen and obey. I snuck into church that first week, carefully planned so that I could go straight to the balcony and hide amongst the dim lights and the throng of people. I stood there looking around me, and quietly asked God what on earth I was doing there. Everything seemed alien. Foreign. Still, I worshipped. When the music died down and I sat back down, the lady sitting next to me passed me a note. On the note she'd written that God has spoken to her about me, with a message of assurance and a verse... and for me, that was Him saying 'Yes, this is where I've called you to be.' I don't know why, but His disciples never questioned Jesus when He called them... so neither shall I.

Three weeks on.. I'm still a little overwhelmed. I still struggle with not being able to go to Citylife with my family. I still struggle with all the time I miss out with my little niece on Sundays. But I've also learnt a few lessons:

1. The closer you draw to God, the more you just -know- when God has spoken, and when He's called you into something.
2. When you obey His calling, He gives you strength to walk down that path, and the knowledge that you're walking in His will eases away the pain of the struggle... or at least, makes the struggle worthwhile.
3. When your heart is close to Him, you really -can- worship anywhere. Regardless of worship styles, the loudness of the music, the worship leader... when you know your Shepherd, your heart is always ready to worship.
4. The ratio of your desperation for Him is directly correlated to the closeness of your walk with Him.

So I've chosen.. and the choice is more painful than anyone realizes, but my vision is before me - Lord, help me not to look back.