At dinner last night, my workmate said something very interesting to me. We were talking about our impressions of each other.. and he mentioned that he saw me as someone who has a very strong sense of self. (No, this isn't the interesting bit). I was somewhat surprised because I don't really feel like I do have a very strong sense of self.. at all.
I think he registered my surprise at what he said... because he then went on to say that it's fascinating to watch me.. because.. it's almost as if.. there are... two me's. One is the funny, relaxed, occasionally sarcastic with a sometimes evil and somewhat inappropriate sense of humor. The other is the regimented, serious, 'professional', must-prove-myself, cover-all-bases, always-do-the-right-thing, always-say-the-right-thing me. He then said that it's interesting to watch me because there are times he can actually see me struggle with which side of me to unleash... and the two sides don't.. blend very well. The two sides are.. polar opposites, most of the time.
And it's true. I went home that night wondering.. has anyone actually ever seen both sides of me? Does anyone actually know both sides of me? I talked it through with my mum yesterday.. and she said, correctly, that the fun, relaxed, evil, cheeky, naughty, sarcastic me only emerges when I'm in my comfort zone. When I'm doing something that I know how to do, or when I'm with people that I know. Once I'm one foot out of my comfort zone, I withdraw and morph into the quiet, regimented me.
All true. So very true. Lately I've felt so tired of being the quiet, regimented, professional me. I guess the reason for that is... it's been so, very, long since I've been in my comfort zone. Working with clients and a perfectionist boss gets that way. I never know if I'm doing or saying the right thing.. my shoulder tense up, waiting for the first reproach, or the first mistake.. Don't get me wrong, I have enormous respect and admiration for my boss, and we get along really well. It's having to live up to her expectations of me that weighs me down.. that's got me even more must-prove-myself, cover-all-bases, always-say-the-right-thing than ever.
Current Mood: A little over it all.
Currently Reading: The Idiot, Fyodor Dostoevsky
Currently Listening To: The Shins
3 comments:
Oh oh oh OH! AGGGGIIIEEEEE!!!! Daniel Radcliffe was on the TV this morniiinnnngg! I woke up, turned on the tube, and immediately sat up and started drooling! Hee! Just wanted to telllll you! And I've seen both sides! Just.. tons tons TONS more of that cheeky naughty one. ;)
ARGHHH.. JEALOUS... YOUTUBE HERE I COME!!! I'm sure someone's posted it on YouTube.
yeah ... i've seen both sides too... but then the question is... are both of "you" you? who's the "real you"? the tense, super efficient one? or the super forgetful but lovable relaxed one?
i think they're both you. just different facets of a diamond being shapened, refined and most certainly buffed :)
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