A few months ago, the company that I worked temporarily for launched a major Melbourne cultural festival. The launch was a big one - with Melbourne creme de la creme. Politicians, radio celebrities, businessmen, artists... it was huge. Where was I? Hiding in the toilet.
Yeeep, I hid in the toilet as long as I could. For the longest time, I've felt pathetic that I had to do that. Then one day my sister sent me this amazing book on Introversion. The different things that introverts do to cope with social situations.. it was the most freeing book that I've read for a long while. The author does that too! Not just her, either - her clients as well (she's a psychologist).
I don't feel so pathetic anymore. I suddenly understand why after a day at work, I come home and literally, shut down. My mobile will ring and I'll ignore it. Not that I don't want to talk to the person who's calling, it's just that I'm... well... done, for the day. All my social energy, tapped out. And yet others close to me are like energizer batteries. They keep going, and going, and going, and going. And then the more they keep going, the more I get tapped out.
I now know why I write incredible briefs - articulate, comprehensive, detailed, professional. But communicating that brief verbally? Not so good. Um... Um.... Um... I hate umming, but when it counts the most, the gremlins get all my carefully practiced words.
Why I get so impatient when I get interrupted. Or when somebody changes their mind six thousand times in the space of half an hour. My brain just takes a little longer to switch gears, and to reset. And.. that's okay!! It's okay!!
All my life, I've always been overlooked, always stuck in the background, part of the wallpaper. Everytime I relocated to a new place, or started a new chapter of my life, I'd always swear to myself that this time, it'll be different. I'll be more outgoing. But somehow or other, I always stay in the background, and truth be told, I'm actually more comfortable there!
I am who I am.. and it's okay! In spite of all the 'weaknesses' that I saw in myself, I thrive. Even though I stay quietly in the background, chugging along quietly at my little laptop, somehow, I still thrive.
I had humble beginnings. But slowly and surely, I'm realizing what I can do. For the first time, I have something to show those that never believed that I could make anything of myself on my qualifications. No, they never said it, but they thought it. It was there in their disinterest. In was there in their glazed eyes when I talked about my work. Work that was never as important to them as what they did.
I told a dear friend recently that I am actually really quite proud of who I've become. Not that I think I'm a masterpiece, or a finished product, but I'm not nearly as pathetic as I used to think I am.
So there.
6 comments:
Yeah isn't it amazing what the knowledge of that book does for you. it changed me life and made me feel more comfortable about myself too - accepting my limitations and appreciating my gifts. Btw, jie was interested in reading it too. Isn't it funny that you, me, mum, jie and Drew - we are all introverts.
Hahah.. yeah... i'm down to the second last chapter - i'll pass it onto jie when i'm done.
Yeah.. then we have Hannah, who's extrovert as it gets. But even then.. you never know.. she may grow up to be an innie, too.
check her site out from time to time. yeah, audrey metz and I suspected that Hannah's extroverted. Quite farny given that her parents are introverts. Not sure who she gets that from.
http://www.theintrovertadvantage.com/
About public speaking, the instructor of my postgraduate presentation course once told us that her colleague always throws up before a presentation at conferences. And it's already been 10 years! Talk about extreme cases.
Yeah.... hey, if i threw up for 10 years before a presentation... i reckon... i'd go for a career change.
ya i want to read too. i want to know if this utter dislike for the phone these days is normal. i want to know if talking to myself in the car while Hannah is looking in puzzlement is fine. i want to know if it's normal for me to love sitting on the toilet behind firmly shut closed doors looking for split ends, trimming my already trimmed toenails and fingernails and then trying to recount the number of toes i have is normal. i want to know if it's normal for me to want to cook by myself and not like cooking with anyone else. i want to know if it's ok not to like parties but prefer the intimate one on one hot chocolate events. i want to know if it's ok for me to want to hide from my little daughter at the end of most long days and then miss her dreadfully when she's sleeping.
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