Swans, Hawks & Whales

So there was this episode of Felicity.. where... hmmm.... to cut a long story short, she gets fed up with Ben breaking her heart over and over again, so Meghan does this spell, right (I know, cheesy, but it makes a good storyline) - and Felicity goes back in time and chooses Noel instead. So she gets a chance to do everything over again. To change her choices, to be with another person.

And yet, she gravitates towards Ben. In spite of the fact that she _knows_ how things will turn out with Ben.. she still gravitates towards the one guy that she goes back in time to get away from.

So it made me wonder. Are there people that we're just meant to end up with? No matter what paths we choose, is it possible that all roads lead to Rome? All roads lead to the one person that we're meant to be with? That no matter how much that person has hurt us, no matter how rational it is not to be with that person, no matter how hard we TRY to walk the opposite way, somehow or rather, something just pulls you back to that person?

So I wondered. The guys that I've shared my life with. If I could go back in time, who would I pick to go with? Is there someone in my life that I gravitate to, without really wanting to? Is there someone that I will never get over? And once you push that person away, is that it? Is there a 'second person that i'm meant to be with'? Have I blown it? And if I had a girlfriend who can send me back in time, which point in time would I ask to go back to?

Perhaps I would choose not to walk out of that restaurant. Perhaps I would choose not to say 'this is it'... perhaps I would choose not to blow up the way I did.

Perhaps I would. But in spite of the fact that I do get lonely. That I do wonder if I"ll ever find someone to share my life with, to go shopping with, to go to the movies with, to walk around in the city with, to sit on the train with.. I know that I wouldn't undo it even if i could. If everything happens for a reason... then maybe the next big thing is just around the corner. Maybe he's around the corner too.

Maybe. I hope. I have to start living my own life at some point. I don't think I've been doing that much. I'm not sure what that means.